ONLY IN TIDEWATER, VIRGINIA!

For those of you who live/have lived here, this will make perfect sense. To
the rest of you, its just amusing. Hope you all enjoy!!!!!!! For the purposes
of this document, we will refer to the area as "Norfolk", pronounced exactly
that way by Northerners who settle here. Southerners who settle here
pronounce it "Nawfuk" and everyone else calls it Norfick".
The word "Norfolk" actually originated in Southern England, gradually over
time as a combination of the words "North" and "Folk", their way of referring
to their brethren to the north.
* Norfolk is composed entirely of roads under construction. The
year-round seasonal weather allows for year-round construction. The only way
to get into downtown is to move there. Don't worry about getting out. Those
arrangements will be made by your next of kin.
* All directions start with "Get on 64..." and somewhere include the
phrase "Turn at the 7-Eleven." Most people navigate the area using Interstate
64 because of oddball location naming. The immediate problem here is that, in
order to access western portions of the area, you have to travel I-64 East.
* I-64, the largest interstate in the state, has two exits that serve
Virginia Beach, the largest city in Virginia. The land mass of the beach
area is approximately 1% of the city's total land area.
* The city of Portsmouth is not at the port's mouth - that would be
Norfolk.
* The city of Chesapeake is named for the Chesapeake Bay,15 miles
away.
* Newport News is not a newspaper. The city is, in fact, served by
The Daily Press newspaper, based in Hampton.
* South Norfolk is in Chesapeake and "Suffolk", an old English
combination of 'South" and "Folk" is not south of Norfolk, rather west.
* Hampton Boulevard is in Norfolk and does not go to Hampton.
* Northampton Boulevard is not in the north of Hampton. It is 22
miles southeast of Hampton, in Virginia Beach.
* Chesapeake Boulevard runs parallel to Hampton Boulevard and does
not go to Chesapeake.
* Virginia Beach Boulevard starts in Norfolk and only becomes a
boulevard when you reach Virginia Beach. Portsmouth Boulevard is in
Chesapeake.
* There is no Norfolk Boulevard but there is a Norfolk Avenue in
Virginia Beach. It does not go to Norfolk.
* Atlantic Avenue parallels the Atlantic Ocean. Strangely, so does
Pacific Avenue.
* Chesapeake Beach, nicknamed "Chic's Beach", is in Virginia Beach.
Chicks do not go there. Chics go there, but it's named after a guy, Chic
Leddington.
* Meanwhile, Ocean View Avenue has no view of the ocean unless you
use a high-powered telescope and a crane.
* Bayview is too far from the Bay to see it and Riverview has no view
of any rivers. Shore Drive has no shore but runs along beside miles and miles
of military bases. Military Highway, an apt name for the main thoroughfare of
a primarily military area, will not actually take you to any military bases.
* Ironically, Independence Boulevard ends at one.
* The Northwest River is actually in the Southeastern part of the
area.
* Deep Creek contains no deep creeks.
* Great Bridge is an affluent area accessed by crossing a drawbridge.
* London Bridge Road has no connection to London and has no bridges. It
is however, falling apart.
* The area of Damneck contains no dams. Oceana Boulevard does not
come near the ocean.
* Norfolk Naval Shipyard is in Portsmouth.
* One of the largest Coast Guard bases on the east coast is in
Portsmouth,
21 miles from the coast.
* Hilltop, a mildly affluent shopping area, is not on a hill or near
a hill. Actually when it was all fields prior to 1963, you would notice a
slight higher elevation in this area!
* There are no cars at the Chrysler Museum.
* Scope is not a mouthwash- it's a convention center in Norfolk.
* Sometime, just for fun, stop and ask a local for directions to
"downtown Virginia Beach." Chances are, you will be sent to Norfolk. Virginia
Beach has no downtown. They claim to but it is in fact a shopping district
with five squat brown office buildings. And, no hotels.
* No one carpools here, allowing the HOV-reversible lanes to be used
by skateboarders during rush hours. All the tollbooths were taken down a few
years ago, creating one less place for traffic accidents to occur.
* Everyone in the country lived here once or knew someone who did.
You will be hard pressed to find a native of the area. Everyone here is from
somewhere else, due mostly to the fact that Norfolk contains the largest
naval base in the world. When you curse the drivers here for not being able
to drive, you are cursing the drivers of the whole country.

***An additional note: You have to cross at least one bridge or tunnel in
order to get out of the area. Gotta love the water***